Friday, 30 November 2012

Clara: When loss keeps on happening...

At the moment, I am waiting to miscarry. My fifth pregnancy, my fifth child... yet still no living children.

All was going well. Various early scans had shown a little bean, with a heartbeat, developing well. A scan at 11 weeks on Tuesday showed the heartbeat had stopped. This has been so completely unexpected and I feel completely numb. If anything, I expected the bad news to come as we approached 20 weeks and beyond. I have been taking all my myriad of medications, focusing on getting to that point and then taking it from there.

Since finding out we were pregnant again, I have injected myself with heparin over 100 times. I have taken over 200 steroid tablets as well as the daily aspirin tablets. I have had two intralipid infusions. Folic acid tablets, vitamin D tablets, pregnancy multi-vitamins. All to no avail.

We do not yet know if the condition that took Molly and Grace from us (massive perivillous fibrinoid deposition) is responsible for this loss also. My placenta will need to be sent away for testing. If this condition is found again, we have nowhere else to go. This treatment plan was our last hope.

If the loss of this fifth much-wanted baby is just ‘one of those things’, I still do not know where to go from here. I just don’t know if I can cope with being pregnant again. My body needs a break. In the past 28 months, I have spent 18 of them pregnant with absolutely nothing to show for it, except a gravestone commemorating two little girls and a shattered heart.

A very close friend with the same condition lost her 4th child last week. She has 4 children in Heaven now and, like me, has no living children. I have 5 children in Heaven now. It’s too much, it’s unfair to expect so much of one bereaved mummy. As this friend has said, we are a medical mystery. Despite the advances in modern medicine, we are a rarity and people don’t really know what to do with us. Our children are perfect but our immune systems are letting them down.

I just don’t know where to go from here. My heart has shattered. I feel I have let everyone down... again. It’s just horrendous.

You can read more about my journey here: Clara- My Story
You can read more about my condition here: Clara- Massive Perivillous Fibrinoid Deposition

Update Feb 2013: Placental tests came back to show that MPFD had returned with a  vengeance despite the extensive treatment plan. So this does not work for us. Where do we go from here? We just don't know.

13 comments:

  1. Clara, I'm sorry for you losses. Having been through 5 pregnancies and 7 losses, without having our children here with us, I grieve along with you. Please know that you have not let anyone down, and that you have the support and thoughts of this entire community surrounding you.

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    1. Thank you Erin. I have been having a wee read through your blog and I am sorry for your losses. xx

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  2. My wonderful friend. Here if you need a shoulder or to be carried xxxx

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    1. Thanks missus & thank you for your text. Will hopefully see you soon xx

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  3. Oh my sweet I'm so sorry. I didn't know you were pregnant. I am here always if you need a shoulder xx

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    1. Thanks Lisa. We were keeping it quiet for as long as we could as we knew it would be well into second trimester before we knew whether or not medication was working. But it was not to be xx

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  4. Oh Claire, I wish I had the words to find to offer you some comfort and support at the moment but everything that I write seems so inadequate; one loss has been hard to bear and two losses tough for me but five losses takes a strength that many people do not possess. I know that you are one of the bravest and strongest women that I know and I know that you can come through this xxx

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    1. Thank you my lovely. And you and Nic do offer me comfort and support and it is much appreciated xx

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  5. I am so sorry for your loss. As you say, nobody should have to go through this much grief. xxxxx

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    1. Thank you Ben. Much appreciated x

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  6. Hey Clara,
    my heart goes out to you.You gave me hope when I had none left. My thoughts are with you. You can email me if you need me. I'm looking for other things for you here in the U.S. Your advice maybe what is saving my lo.

    Always on my mind,
    Jaime
    Jaime.j.reed@gmail.com

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