Saturday, 6 July 2013

Carla: Right Where I Am 2013: 4 weeks and 4 days

My name is Carla and on 31st May 2013 my world fell apart and my heart broke into a thousand pieces when my little girl Seren Evelyn was born sleeping at 41 weeks. We chose her name as it's an olde worlde Welsh name meaning Star and we wanted her to have something a little different.

It hadn't been the easiest pregnancy, there had been hiccups along the way. She had patches of echogenic bowel at our 20 week scan but all further tests suggested that all was fine and she should have no problems.

So where I am now? I can tell you where I should be, I should be tired from being woken several times a night by my newborn baby, not tired because I cannot sleep. Every time I do sleep the pain is so fresh and raw when I wake that I wish I hadn't. I should be holding my little girl not a beautiful box of star dust. I should have sore, cracked nipples and full, aching breasts from continuing to nourish my baby; not breasts that continue to produce milk that will never feed little Seren. I should have friends visiting to meet her and coo over her, not friends terrified to come for fear of saying the wrong thing. I should have a house full of pink cards and flowers, not sombre sympathy cards and white 'funeral' flowers. In short, I should be a mummy.

Where I actually am right now is probably the hardest question to answer… I am lost, empty, devastated and heart broken. And still disbelieving. Almost 5 weeks down the line and I still can't believe my baby girl isn't coming home, that I will never get to hold her close or do her hair or teach her to write her beautiful name.

Right now I am in Hell.


  1. Still such early days for you Carla. Seren is such a beautiful name for your daughter.

    The disbelieving will continue for a while. I still have days where I can't believe it. Just take things a wee bit at a time, you will get there, I promise.

    And please remember, you ARE a mummy. You're Seren's mummy - no one can take that away from you xx

  2. Carla, my heart goes out to you. Poor little Seren. You're going through hell right now, but as my brother told me when we lost Laura 'it's important - when you're going through hell - to KEEP going'

    The raw pain does ease but it never goes away. You just learn ways to deal with it & to try to turn it into positives. Talk about Seren whenever you can. She is your daughter & she was here. Lots of love to you xxxxx

  3. Im so sorry; 5 weeks is still very early days and the stages of grief come in waves - it takes time to believe the awful truth of what has happened - i still have days where I dont quite believe it and its been almost 2 years; i too felt like you that I was not a mummy - but you are and I am - we have angel babies who are shining like bright stars watching us with love xxx