Wednesday, 10 July 2013

Leanne V: Right Where I Am 2013: 2 years 4 months

I guess where I am is understanding. Understanding you are and will be with me every moment of every day. Taking more comfort and warmth from you than tears and despair. You still make me cry silent tears every time I imagine you here, playing, giving snuggles. But, I smile at the thought of you being by my side, watching over us all and causing mischief. I guess the following is the only way I can sum it up.

The impossible beat.

It started when it ended, mine and your impossible beat. When it stopped, your beat, mine tried to stop too. They fixed it, the doctors, they fixed my constant beat but couldn't fix yours. My constant beat. Always there, always pounding, always beating. In the moments, days and weeks that followed I didn't understand how. How it continued, how it could carry on when a hole had been ripped in its very fabric, the fabric of my constant beat. Slowly over time, I felt it, another beat. When the sun shone bright and when the storm raged hard, it was there, a different beat, separate but bound forever in unison with my constant beat. It was your beat. Your impossible beat, impossible because you had left me, impossible because whether the doctors could hear it or not, you could never truly leave me.

As life continues, sometimes racing at disorientating speeds, it becomes louder and stronger. Your impossible beat, the heart that beats loudest once it stops, in unison with my impossible beat, the heart that continues to beat when it is broken. I know now that they are one, never to be separated, mine and your impossible beat.


  1. Thank you again for such a beautiful post. I continue to strive for the understanding but, like you, I do believe my girls are always with me. I think that's what makes me try so hard, I don't want to let them down. Much love xx