Sometimes I feel like the last couple of years have been a dream; so much has happened it’s hard to believe it’s real. This time two years ago I was happily pregnant with my first baby. We were excited for the future and could never for one second have imagined the outcome. There was no possible way to know that in around six weeks time from that point we would go for our anomaly scan and our world would fall apart as we were told our baby was too sick to survive. On 20th July 2013 we held our beautiful tiny baby son, Findlay, in our arms. He never breathed our air but even at that point I knew I would never be the same person I was before.
Now, almost two years later, the pain is still there, maybe not as raw as it was in the beginning but it never goes away. Somehow, with a lot of help (special thanks to my counsellor Jeni at SANDS Lothians for this one) I have learned to live with it. The absolute best healing has, however, come from my beautiful rainbow baby, Cameron, who has made me smile like I never thought I would ever again. Born three days before his big brother’s 1st birthday, the last 10 and a half months have been the happiest of my life. Yet, with everything, bittersweet. It’s hard not to wish that Cameron had a big brother who was here physically that he could play with and giggle with. It’s hard not to look at Cameron and wonder if his big brother would have the same big bright blue eyes and blonde hair which is starting to develop the sweetest little curls.
I am a mother of two but only hold one baby in my arms. I have lost count of the number of times I’ve been asked that oh so innocent question ‘is he your first?’. At first I wanted the ground to swallow me up not wanting the other person to feel awkward, however, slowly I am learning to respond with honesty and tell them that my first baby died. I am sorry if this makes the other person feel awkward but that is the reality I have to live with every day of my life and I will never deny either of my children. I love them equally and they have both enriched my life in so many ways.
I feel blessed to have had the pleasure of spending even the shortest of times with Findlay and having the chance to create so many precious memories. He is and always will be my true inspiration. I feel blessed to have the chance to watch his little brother, Cameron, grow and develop every day, he is and always will be my world.
I always wanted two children so I could watch them grow up together. Sadly that is not to be so right where I am is trying to decide whether I will, at any stage, be brave enough to embark on the rollercoaster of another rainbow journey.
(written 4th June 2015)