One month from today will be Findlay’s 3rd birthday. Three years since the day he came into the world tiny, silent and still. The day my heart broke in two. That pain has never gone away, never dulled, never changed. I can be getting on with life quite happily then all of a sudden wham it hits me again and for a time I am once again broken. Other times it feels like it’s all been a dream, like looking in on someone else’s life. That sends me into a panic, leaving me terrified. Terrified that I’m going to forget any of the memories we have with Findlay, precious memories of the very short time we got to spend with him. I don’t think that’s something that will ever change.
A lot has changed though. There was a time I would refer to that day as the worst day of my life. I can no longer refer to it as such. It is, without a doubt, one of the hardest days of my life but it was the day I became a mummy. A mummy to such a precious, beautiful, loved little boy. Sometimes I still feel bitter and think it’s unfair that he never got a chance. My perfect little boy was never going to make it but I am blessed that he came into my life, changing me forever. I am privileged to be his mummy.
I wear my heart on my sleeve and I have always spoke openly about Findlay. I have shared photos on social media and have always felt touched by people’s kindness to acknowledge Findlay. Through time, with this support, I have felt stronger. Then earlier this year someone reported a photo of Findlay which I posted on Facebook. The actions of that one click shocked me to the core and left me feeling devastated that anyone could be so heartless, so cruel to my baby son, to his memory. I appreciate baby loss can make people feel uncomfortable but I am proud of both of my sons and want to show them off to the world. This has made me more wary of what I post and although it won’t stop me posting, I live in fear that it could happen again. I want to share my baby with the world but it is also my duty to protect him. It has left me feeling betrayed and suspicious of my Facebook ‘friends’. If I’m honest I hadn’t actually realised until now how much this is still affecting me. I truly hope whoever reported my precious photo, my precious son, never has to endure this heartache. The longing to hold my baby again. Just one more time.
Thankfully this lack of compassion, lack of understanding is not the norm and I am so blessed with the support I have received from family and friends. As I said last year, much of my healing has come from Findlay’s little brother, Cameron. My precious, handsome, clever, little rainbow who makes me smile like I never imagined. We will celebrate Cameron’s 2nd birthday on 17 July, three days before his big brother’s 3rd birthday. Such a bittersweet time but a time to celebrate the birth of both our boys. Our whole world.
Right where I am... I am strong. I am vulnerable. I am broken. I am happy. I am sad. Ultimately though I am lucky. Lucky to be mummy to two precious and special little boys and no matter what life throws at me they are my reason to keep going. I live my life to make them proud and I hope one day they will be.
Published 20th July 2016 – Happy 3rd birthday Findlay, our beautiful baby son. You live on in our hearts forever and your brother will know all about his special big brother. We love you to the moon and back Mummy, Daddy and Cameron xxxxx
You can read Lynne’s previous post here: